He Is Jealous For Me

"Let us remember that when we talk of the rending of the veil we are speaking in a figure, and the thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant, but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it. In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole being consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free...God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust." A.W. Tozer - The Pursuit of God

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." Matthew 16:24-25

I'm a calendar person. For some reason what sticks out in my brain vividly was the calendar invite I received from my ex-boyfriend which had a daily remember to die to ourselves first thing in the morning. The calendar invite included Romans 12:1-2 reminding us that we are living sacrifices to the Lord. I appreciated that reminder and thought it noble that he would take the words of Jesus seriously enough to practice the daily laying down of his life. At the time in my shallowness I did not ask deep questions, what does it mean for you to lay down your life? What does it mean to be a living sacrifice? How does that look practically to you? 

Fast forward, I met a handsome young lad at a cultural event. We danced to Afrobeats and the vibrations were right. There was obviously chemistry between us but in my mind we were just dancing while keeping a respectful distance, the way I like it. He introduced himself and stored my number in his phone before I jetted out with the girlfriends I came with. That exchange was followed up by a series of texts and dates. To be completely transparent this was the first time I can remember a man being intentional with wanting to spend time with me and explicitly showing interest in me as a person romantically. He was transparent and intentional. He created a safe place for me to be all of myself. I shared commonalities with him that I don't quite share with other friends but there were also deep differences that were closer to the core of who I am (how I live the very essence of my life). As the transparent person I am I had some conversations with two my elders because I live my life in community which includes my friends and those I considered elders in my life. The most important piece of my life was missing, a deep and personal affection and relationship with Jesus. 

I knew the deepest part of who I am was not the heart of our relationship. I did not intend on changing him, that is impossible to change anyone. God himself created us and has given us the will to choose Him back. Then how would I do what God had been trying to do. He is a believer however how we live our lives were starkly different. My point in being transparent about this is I was willing to accept the relationship because genuinely he was kind. I have no complaints around the way he respected me. He respected all of boundaries. I never felt like I had to perform for him to like me. This is a big deal for me because maybe it is something I struggle with or simply I've never been in a romantic relationship where I was fully affirmed for who I am. He built me up with his words and actions. My best friend and I would always talk about this as God's common grace. 

I received the call where he broke up with me. While it was not a surprise it hurt deeply. I had sensed a change in our relationship and knew that it couldn't lead to marriage though I enjoy him as a person. If he wanted to hang out as friends now, I would. He is kind and nice and all the words you could think. But I was willing to trade a deep relationship with God to have a good man. To some people that may seem bizzarre. What is wrong with a good man. Well Abraham had Isaac in his old age. The son that was meant to fulfill God's promise that he would be a father to many nations and that their number would be as the grains of sand.  God was the one who promised Isaac to Abraham. It was a good thing, a great thing. But God commanded him to take him to the altar and sacrifice him. In no way is my situation an equal comparison but this good man was my current version of Abraham's Issac. It actually doesn't make sense. But A.W. Tozer says this, "I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I might reign unchallenged there." God is jealous for us. He knows that he is the best thing we can behold and he will command us to bring to the altar good things that are taking the place that only he should occupy. I did pray that the Lord would clarify and I knew if the desire to draw near to God did not grow I would have to end the relationship. Even good things can draw us away from the giver, when that good thing because the center of our joy and affection. But when he broke up with me I took that as the Lord doing what he knew was best. And there is testimony in that, that I would walk away from a relationship with a friend still and much love in my heart. But that I would loose a good thing because God is the best thing. I learned in the loosing of that that it is painful. Although I knew it should happen, it is nothing like Abraham having to lay his son before the altar but it was one thing I had to lay at the altar. It was painful because in that is a reminder that I am single and may never be married. I won't go into this because that is longer than I want to share today. God doesn't want good things for us, He wants the best things. He is the best thing and only thing our hearts should adore.

To give a brief exhortation, encouragement. I went on the dating apps immediately after the break up and eventually I heard God say clearly, "You need to draw close to me." I ran still hurt to find a guy to fill the hole but God wanted me to allow Him to be my all in all. And he subjected my body into fasting. I had no appetite and found myself reading and hiding his word in my heart, journaling and praying. He had drawn me deeper in this time than I've experienced all year and in many years. I have seen him move and work. I'll give an example. I was journaling and began reading the book quoted above. I began confessing before my King. I wept for my family and friends who based on their current decisions would be the eternally separated and pleaded for them to be saved. And I recognized that I am a wretched man with no desire to love on my Lord and I was drenched in tears and an understanding that it was the work of the Holy Spirit that guided me to the well of God's living water. As I began thanking the Holy Spirit the song played All That You've Done (For Me). Which caused me to weep more. That the Lord would visit me in my time with him, in that moment it was no coincidence but the Lord would play a song the Holy Spirit echoing my thanks and receiving it caused me to break down. I pray that this helps you know that God is not just jealous for me, but every single one of us. He too is three persons in One Triune God. He desires to hold all of our affections. "Everything is safe which we commit to him, and nothing is really safe which is not committed." Die to yourself today. Let go of those things you think are good but rob your affects for the Lord. He wants to be unchallenged in your heart. He deserves it and like Abraham laying Isaac before the altar God fulfilled His promise, provided a ram to be sacrificed and Abraham remains the father of faith today. His descendants are vast. Jesus laid down His life on the cross and it says, "For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:9-11. Let us work for the reward which is God himself and there is no greater inheritance. He is better. Taste and see.